Personal boundaries are a mysterious thing:

you cannot see them or touch them, and yet they matter enormously to us.

Personal boundaries are not fixed; they shift depending on how close we are to particular people.

So how can you tell that your boundaries are being violated?

The main sign that your boundaries are in good order is that you feel comfortable.

To work out whether others are violating your boundaries, look at whether any of this is happening to you:

· Someone hurts you and you say nothing about it.

· You give a great deal of your own time to others.

· You try to buy other people’s good opinion of you by being a good girl / a good boy.

· You have the sense that you have to earn respect, and that you are not worth it just as you are.

· You feel guilty if someone near you seems unhappy, and you get the urge to rush about making everyone happy.

· You constantly feel like a victim — of others, of life, of employers, of your surroundings.

· People somehow gather around you who try to control you.

· You worry a great deal, and are even afraid, about what other people think of you.

· You let people touch you even when you are not comfortable with it.

· You feel angry when you witness other people’s boundaries being violated.

· Others impose on you their view of what is good and what is bad;

· At times views, convictions and values are imposed on you, while your own values are violated or criticised, and so on.

How can you protect your own boundaries?

· It is important to be aware of your own needs and to act on them rather than on other people’s needs. At the same time it is important to take responsibility for your actions and your decisions.

· You need to learn not to be afraid of standing your ground. Working with a psychotherapist is precisely what helps build that skill.

· Do not expect the people close to you to guess what exactly you need: talk to them about your needs, your feelings and your wishes.

· Likewise, avoid guessing what is going on with them, since this leads to a great many misunderstandings in relationships. It is better to ask what is happening with a person and hear the answer directly from them (even if you are afraid of what you might hear) than to try to guess and act on your own assumptions.

· Do not try to change other people — they may have no interest at all in changing, and you will be spending your own time and resources on them. Better to set aside time and space for contact with people who bring you enjoyment and positive experiences.