THE LOSS OF ORDINARY LIFE

When dad goes into service, all the child’s routines and the familiar order of life change.

Dad used to take them to nursery, play football and read a bedtime story. Now it is mum, another relative, or the child themselves. Change takes energy — energy to adjust and get used to it. That is hard.

SADNESS AND LONGING

Dad’s absence from a child’s ordinary life can register as painful feelings. There are more and more celebrations, joys and setbacks that he has missed, and these can bring sadness and even a growing distance.

FEAR FOR LIFE AND HEALTH

Some children believe that their love will protect dad and that he will be all right. Others, on the contrary, live in constant tension from the waiting and the frightening thoughts.

HEIGHTENED ANXIETY AND FEARS

Sometimes worry about dad spills over into heightened anxiety. Children find the thought of failures and mistakes unbearable; they ask over and over whether everything will be all right, whether something bad might happen to mum; they are gripped by fears or even panic attacks.

EXPLOSIVE BEHAVIOUR

Against a background of stress, some children become more irritable — they protest, get angry, act up. Sometimes all of a child’s rage finds an outlet in fierce patriotism and hatred of the enemy, with games about destroying them.

WITHDRAWAL AND APATHY

Stress can lead a child to lose interest in what used to give them pleasure. Older children may say: “What’s the point of studying/ making friends/tidying my room?”

HOW CAN YOU EASE A CHILD’S STATE WHEN THEY MISS A DAD OR MUM WHO IS SERVING?

Here are a few simple techniques that will help pour the longing into creativity and strengthen the bond with the absent dad or mum.

1.

“A letter to dad” or “A letter to mum” — suggest that the child write a letter to the relative who is serving, telling them about their feelings and dreams. They can draw a picture or make a little diary of the most important events.

2.

“Me and dad” or “Me and mum” — suggest that the child take a selfie holding half a heart and ask the serving dad or mum to do the same. Print the photos out or make a collage on the phone, joining the two halves of the heart together. Tell the child that even though dad or mum is far away, he or she is always close by in their thoughts and in their heart.

3.

“Stay safe” — suggest that the child create a symbol of safety for dad or mum. It could be an origami crane, a picture of a shield, a lock or a dome. Ask the child to put all their love into this symbol. Let the sadness turn into love.

4.

And do not forget to take care of yourself!

If you feel that your resources barely stretch even to yourself, look for help: from those close to you, from support groups, from a psychologist