Passive aggression is a type of behaviour expressed as indirect resistance to the actions or behaviour of other people.
If we have no way of letting others know what we feel, we may do it differently: sulking, making barbed remarks, procrastinating, forgetting something important…
WHY DO WE BEHAVE PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVELY?
MOST OFTEN BECAUSE WE WERE TAUGHT TO.
For example, if a child was never taught in childhood to understand and express their feelings, then as an adult they will not even be able to recognise those feelings.
OUT OF INSECURITY
Often a person will not even be able to say that they are angry if you ask them directly.
Not because they want to deceive you, but because they do not understand it themselves.
It can be hard to admit that something hurts and offends us, because that reveals our needs (for attention, for recognition, and so on) and makes our imperfection and vulnerability obvious.
In a world that values self-confidence and strength, it is difficult to show your weaknesses.
OUT OF A LACK OF TRUST
We may also behave this way when the setting does not allow for open and honest communication.
This happens in workplaces, especially those with a hierarchical structure (in the army, for instance).
In such a setting it is hard to tell your boss what you really think — that he is a petty tyrant (even if that is objectively true). The anger has to be held back, but it does not disappear anywhere and breaks out in the form of passive aggression.
WHAT CAN BE DONE?
Understand what you feel.
Learning to slow down and listen to yourself is the main way of dealing with passive aggression.
Learn to own your feelings.
It is important to understand that what you feel matters, that you have a right to it, and that your feelings speak about your needs.
And the last thing is practice! It can be very hard to tell other people what you feel, what is happening to you and why.
It can be truly difficult and frightening. But it is important.
It can help you not only become yourself in relationships. It can change the relationships themselves.
Make them deeper and more interesting.