Elastic boundaries — what do they look like?
Like this: it is when you know how to say “no”, but you say “no” gently.
You can repeat your “no” two, three, four times, but on the fifth you agree after all — you let yourself be pushed or talked into it.
Saying “no” takes effort and extra energy from you, and so, when someone insists, you run out of steam and give in under their pressure.
And in the long run, elastic boundaries lead to the destruction of relationships.
You let the other person push you a few times, and then you realise that in this relationship — where you are under constant pressure, where your mind and your arms are constantly being twisted towards the longed-for “yes” — things are so hard and so costly for you that you choose to do without the relationship altogether.
As a result your relationship falls apart, leaving behind the vile aftertaste of the violence you allowed towards yourself.
And you sit in the middle of these stinking ruins, alone, repeating that “it is better to be on my own than with just anyone”.
Being able to refuse is wonderful!
Being able to repeat your refusal is already a next-level achievement in self-development.
The first “no” is soft.
It is “no, sorry”, or “no, darling”, or “no, sweetheart”.
The problem here may be that you still have not fully claimed your right to say “no”.
Otherwise you would not apologise, otherwise you would not soften your refusal with tenderness.
A string of such “no”s looks like this: “no, sorry” — “sorry, but no” — “I already told you no” — “no, I will not be able to do that” — “oh, all right, okay”.
And it could have been: “No, absolutely not” — “I said no. Are you having trouble hearing? No. And it is not up for discussion.” And if the pressure on my boundaries continues — physically removing myself from the situation, or blocking the person.
Getting our “no” across to the other person is our responsibility.
But we often think it is their responsibility — to hear our “no” among the apologies and the terms of endearment.
Out of respect for those close to us and those far from us, we say “no” to them clearly, firmly, leaving no loopholes.
Because the price of our softened “no”s, the ones that let us look “nice”, is ruined relationships.
Text:
Mariia Zheltova