Why is it so hard to meet love?

Many people suffer because they cannot meet their love.

Well then, let me console you. There is no need to be sad — meeting your love is impossible anyway.

Let us look into it.

There is already a time bomb built into the very wording of the question “How do I meet my love?”

This question assumes that love is some special kind of relationship that arises instantly between two people who somehow suit each other.

But the essence, as you understand, is the same — some sort of signal informing two people that what they have is love. And in exactly this way: at once, instantly, in a single moment.

In reality the “click”, the “flutter”, does exist — but it marks not the beginning of love, but the beginning of limerence, a rather ambiguous psychological state.

This psychological state is more simply called infatuation.

How does limerence arise?

The main thing is not the notorious “chemistry”, but the head.

For example, distorted ideas about the “right” way for a relationship to begin.

In practice this turns into dichotomous thinking — the use of black-and-white schemes.

And then we consider other people only through the fact of the “flutter” — did it happen or not.

If it “clicked”, then this is love.

If nothing clicked, nothing fluttered, then the person may well be good, but is not worth our attention.

This is not love. And if it is not love, what do I need it for?

In reality, though, lasting relationships do not begin with a “click”.

That takes time.

You cannot really just go and merge with a person, but you can attune to each other (note the prefix “co-”, that is, together, mutually).

And if you orient yourself towards the “click”, there will simply not be enough time for that shared attunement.

What you can do instead is fall headlong into a relationship, taking what you wish for as what is real.

And so it turns out that we lose good people only because nothing “fluttered” in that very first moment.

To put it simply, it is not worth taking your bearings from films and books.

Do not trust the “flutter” and do not wait for the “click”.

Give each other a chance. Just a chance.

The post is based on a text by

Pavel Zygmantovich