Heart to heart, or how to be congruent in relationships
Marcus Aurelius
Today I want to talk about perception, and about how perception affects our reflection and our actions.
As I see it, there is the real: the vast, abundant world around us, and each of us, also real, with an inner world and outward manifestations. And we are in contact all the time.
A person registers reality through the phenomena (the elements) of consciousness. How many phenomena, and which ones, fitted in, flew past, or were noticed is what shapes the picture of reality each person ends up with. In other words, a person «colours in» the real with their own paints (depending on the phenomena registered) and gets their own reality as the result. The important word here is «own». Because, going by this description, everyone’s reality is different. As many people, as many realities.
Now let us consider: what can we, as reasonable people, do with this?
A practical exercise: split into pairs and interact, relying on your state here and now, and determine the next step for communicating with the other person. Be frankly honest with yourself in choosing your actions.
We allot 20 minutes to each side for this experiment. We keep the focus of attention on our sensations in contact and on the «I want» and «I don’t want» that arises next to this particular person. The task is to be truthful and clear with yourself, and at the same time to destroy no one!
1. Establish good communication with yourself, namely: pay attention to your breathing, feel your body, hear your heart beating.
2. Keeping attention on your sensations, see the person opposite you and ask yourself: «what is it like for me to be next to them?» (what do I feel looking at this person, what thoughts come up, what do I want to say to them, what do I not want to do right now but feel I «should»)
3. Share your experience with the other person as if your heart could speak.
4. Share your observations and discoveries with the group. Can you trust yourself, your «heart», and make these your supports in contact with another?
5. Did you manage to discover something new about the way you build contact?
6. Capture this process of contact through a metaphor (what is it like?).
This simple exercise makes it possible to train such essential skills as:
The ability to listen to and understand yourself;
The ability to listen to and hear your partner;
Being congruent at the contact boundary with your own needs and the needs of the other.
Congruence is a particular state in which people perceive everything as it actually is. Congruence is present when a person’s behaviour expresses exactly what they feel.