Resentment is a feeling connected with the sense of one’s own boundaries and those of another person.

It arises where I have expectations of someone.

It is not simply a need, but the expectation that the need will be met.

And at the moment when I come up against reality — the person does not do what matches my expectations — resentment arises in me.

Meanwhile the other person may have no idea why this has happened.

For example, a young woman expects flowers from her boyfriend on a holiday.

But he did not bring her flowers; instead he cleaned the whole flat and cooked a delicious breakfast, because in his mind that would be a pleasure for her.

And she was expecting flowers.

Resentment can arise here.

What can be done in this situation?

He could have asked what would make her happy, or she could have said that she loves being given flowers.

That would have helped to clear up the grey zone between them a little, and that territory would have become shared.

If the situation has already happened, there is no way not to feel hurt.

The one thing that can be done so that this feeling does not become a cause of conflict in the couple for the other person is to say it out loud:

«I feel hurt right now, because I expected things to go one way and they did not. Could you do it differently in future?»

If it is not a problem for the partner, there will be no conflict and the hurt will pass more quickly.

It is also important to talk about the formula of resentment

Resentment is an experience made up of two parts.

The first: this person makes me angry.

The second: this person matters to me, and only they can meet my need.

Most often resentment is a feeling characteristic of parent–child relationships.

In taking offence, a person is in effect showing:

It seems to us that the satisfaction of our needs is contained in another person, just as it was in childhood.

Indeed, when we are born we are unable to give ourselves food and drink; we are entirely dependent on others.

But as adults we are able to meet all our needs ourselves.

Understanding this, we become less dependent on one another.

WHAT TO DO IN SUCH A SITUATION:

First, come back to the awareness that I do not depend on the other person and that I am responsible for my own needs myself.

Second, try asking differently for what I would like from the person.

We learned a great deal in childhood, but as adults we can behave differently in similar situations.

I can take offence in a relationship whenever something does not go my way, because that is what I have always done — or I can come up with another way.